So, this is a christian science fair. Well now officially it’s the alternative science fair since they’ve allowed the other “religions.” Oh, except for the Buddists. They got banned for life after last year. So you guys just get together and compete for a $1,000? Yeah. Well that, and this year the winner gets to meet Tim Tebow. In person. If I win I get to say, “I touched Tim Tebow.” You touched Tim Tebow? No, I was just telling them that this year’s winner gets to meet him. Are you..Are you serious?! Yeah. This is a great, great day! *Laughs* How hard could it be to win a religious science fair? Let’s ask the Lord. Real quick before you do this, is there a bar in here? Oh, I don’t… Nah forget about it. So what exactly are you trying to prove here? Well the world is filled with complex things, right? With this pine cone each spike, leaf, and scale protects the seed perfectly. So it couldn’t have come from nature all willy nillily. This pine cone is so complicated that it had to have been designed by a higher power. So this, this isn’t just a pine cone? No. And unfortunately people don’t see the truth. I mean some people wouldn’t acknowledge the Lord if He was standing naked in their driveway. I think they probably would at that point. Well, my mailman, Randy, sure wouldn’t. He says that religions were invented to consolidate power and control people. Interesting. This thing is amazing. Don’t break it. I only have seven. Ah, good there you are. Me? Why don’t you start down at that end with the Muslims? And I’ll start down at this end with the Christians. What? Sorry, you’re new this year. Here. Take the clipboard and start judging people. And again, start with the Muslims. So, I think I’m a judge. Whoa, really? Is this a sign from the pine cone guy? This competition just got a whole lot easier. Ah…Chris Coleman. Looks like you’ve got another non winner this year. I only wish they had more places so projects like yours could get the recognition they deserve. You’re gonna eat those words when I’m looking down on you from the winner’s stage. Well if by down you mean up, and by stage you mean floor, then yea I’ll eat. I’ll eat straight out of Tebow’s hand. And I’m gonna lick it clean. Wow. I’m turned on. Great. There’s already one judge who likes Todd over me. I’m sick of him winning every year. Oh my god, you guys, we have to figure out a way to sway the judges. All of them! Like right now. No, you have done everything you need to do. You keep doing your best, try really hard, and do good. And you’ll be a winner. -Don’t cheat.
-Cheat. Well, I heard him ’cause he was closer. Don’t cheat. Free circumcisions. *ding* So your God gets high? More than likely. How much of this quote research did you do on your own? But first Jesus is going to save all the good Christians. He’s gonna take us to a safe place. And then He’s gonna come down, and He’s gonna kill and burn everyone. I thought you were implying like the Mexican culture was a lie. Well, it is. Well, it’s less a lie and more like you know a big joke. What do you think is going to happen in the next 5 years? Death…Destruction. Ok. Pain. It won’t be good. And Obama Bin Laden was born on March… Obama Bin Laden? Ok? Um, yeah. Yes. I personally believe that all animals go to hell. I mean the world’s only 4,000 years old. Have you ever seen a therapist? Also Jesus visited me in my dreams. You know Goebbels…Jesus. And if it doesn’t happen on March 10th then -it was not definitive.
-June 7th. June 7th. Yeah, um Mormon women do wear a type of underwear that doesn’t show any bare shoulders, mid-drifts, upper thighs, or cleavage. Ok? Oh and I heard you talking to that girl about missionary? Oh yes, yeah. Being a missionary has been one of the most satisfying experiences of my life. Most! I think most people would tell you missionary is their least satisfying. I dunno man. I’m sorry, but, I really don’t think you have much for me. Ok. Hey…hey… What’s coffee taste like? Ok, bitches. Here’s what I got. I know this guy who knows this other guy, and that guy has like a third cousin who does shady stuff for like nothing. If I call him now he can be here by 2. You know he can destroy Todd’s project, and to everyone else, *clap* our hands our clean. No, don’t listen to him. Believe…in the pine cone. Or I can just call in a bomb threat. That always works. Oh, uh, hello sir, can I tell you about my latest scientific discovery? Nah, I think I got the gist of it. Good luck. Ok, Jake, do what you have to do for us to win. I’ll have you know I can’t be bought. And I’m keeping this as evidence. But why are you putting it in your wallet? You make me sick. Tough break, Chris. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to resort to small bill bribery. *tisk, tisk, tisk, tisk, tisk* Folks… *clap* It’s been my pleasure to win this fair for the last 3 years. But my project today is my finest achievement yet. I have sucessfully disproved evolution… by proving that rocks do not evolve. *applause* Thank you. Well now that we’ve seen all the projects I think we’re ready to announce a winner. Hold on a second. Ladies and gentlemen are any of these projects really deserving? No. That’s because they’re all based on outdated religions. Let’s live in the now, people! Let’s all ban together in the newest, most exciting religion there is, Armenism! In Armenism, we have all the quiet Catholic chicks from Christianity without any of the confessing and burning in hell. We’ve got all the great food of Judisam without any of the weird singing. And we’ve even got all the great architecture of Islam without any of the kamikaze dive bombing. So, who’s in? Come on people first four in get to be disciples. Dude, run! Everybody we need to run! The Buddists are coming! *everybody screams* *explosion noise* How is it they all fear the Buddists, yet mock a prophet to his face? Armen, you are not a prophet. Well, I think we found our Judas. Ha. That’s funny. Go hang yourself now.