Gaslighting alone from a narcissist can feel like absolute torture, but today we’re going to talk about another way that narcissists tend to Gaslight us and this way involves technology. This was a requested video from a SPANily member and that’s exactly what we’re talking about today at QueenBeeing.com; Dealing with gaslighting and manipulation through technology. So let’s get started. Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org. My name’s Angie Atkinson and on this channel, I offer free daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab. So if that sounds good to you, hit that Subscribe button and let’s get going. So, today we’re gonna start off with a question that came up in a SPANily discussion, and I’m just gonna read it to you from here. The SPANily member said, my suggestion for a video, how new technology like Alexa, Google home and smart home are being used to abuse. Along with security cameras, they were able to view when and who. Electronic keypads for door locks have different codes for everyone, so they can track them. They’re able to lock you out, turn lights off and on remotely, even control the temperature. She said “remotely”… And use it to punish you. She said she could give a ton of other examples and then she went on to say all of this technology is supposed to make our lives easier and give us more peace of mind, but they can so easily be used against you. She said they can be set up to control just about everything and the amount of psychological warfare isn’t a thought most would even consider. She said I know our home has alarms which can be turned off by the account holder, controls the internet, lights, doors, temperature and will even show any time the light is turned on, which windows are open and closed and whether or not you’ve gone into a room. Now I think this is an excellent idea for a video, because I also have personally, certain smart things in my house. For example, we have the Philips hue lighting system, which we can use with our phones or with a little remote control thing we have and that could be done from anywhere. So let me ask you a question. Have you experienced any sort of abuse like this, where you’ve dealt with being manipulated or gaslighted through electronic devices, through your phone or through anything else. Let me know. So just make it really clear, gaslighting; If you haven’t heard about it before I’m gonna share a quick definition for you and I’ll also share some links for you in the description below about gaslighting. It’s a form of psychological manipulation. It’s all about making you doubt yourself, doubt your reality, doubt everything around you. It makes people question their own memories, their own perceptions of the world. The idea is that the narcissist wants to disstabilize you, so that you not only count on them to tell you what your perception is, what you think, feel and believe, but also because it makes you more controllable to them. So I like I said, I’ll leave some links for you below, so you can get a better idea of gaslighting if you’re not already familiar with that concept; But for right now, let’s move on. So if you’re dealing with somebody who is messing with your head in any relationship and they have any sort of control over the things in your home as far as your electronics go, they might turn the TV on or off, they might mess with the thermostat in the house. they might turn lights off and on, they might really mess with your head and then of course if you say to them; Hey, did you do this? They’ll say no way, are you kidding me? Why would I do that? It’s part of the whole make you think you’re crazy so they can control you process. Does that make sense to you? This is called digital abuse from what I understand and apparently it’s becoming a bigger issue all the way around, not only are people tracking victims through their cell phones, but they’re also doing things like this, where they’re going into their smart home equipment. They’re messing with them through Alexa, they’re messing with them through the Google smart home system, whatever it is, and apparently this is becoming more and more common. Even a recent New York Times article says more and more attorneys and homeless shelters are seeing people come through with digital abuse complaints, where one person in the relationship sets everything up, has all the passwords, makes everything work and the other person; when the relationship goes bad ends up feeling crazy, because that person uses this stuff as a source of power. From the article by Nellie Bowles in the New York Times; One woman had turned on her air conditioner, but said it then switched off without her touching it. Another said the code numbers of the digital lock at her front door changed everyday, and she could not figure out why. Still, another told an abuse helpline that she kept hearing the doorbell ring, but no one was there. Their stories are a part of a new pattern of behavior in domestic abuse cases tied to the rise of smart home technology. Internet connected locks, speakers, thermostats, lights and camera that have been used as the newest conveniences are now also being used as a means for harassment, monitoring, revenge and control. According to The Times, more than 30 interviews were done where domestic abuse. Victims, their lawyers, shelter workers and emergency responders described how the technology is becoming an alarming new tool. Abusers using their apps on their smartphones, which are connected to the internet enabled devices, would remotely control everyday objects in their home. Sometimes to watch and listen other times to scare or show power even after a partner had left the home the devices often stayed and continued to be used to intimidate and confuse. Whether they do it openly or they do it in a more covert fashion. This is another way that narcissists and toxic people are trying to control people in their lives. For example, another thing that happens is people have those like Amazon rings or various types of camera doorbells, right? And so what will happen is that, when everybody is fine and everybody’s getting along, they’ll use the ring to say Oh, here’s so-and-so at the door, whatever, whatever. Well if let’s say one person leaves the relationship, the other person may still live in the house and still have the Amazon ring on the door. So they might find themselves watching whoever comes to the door. So if you end up with a new partner, your old partner might see them every time they come through the door. If you have a cleaning person come in and your old partner thinks that’s a terrible thing, they might judge you for it, openly to everyone in the world. So if you’re in that situation, you got to change a password or remove the device and try something different. Another thing that abusers can do to digitally abuse you is, if they have a keystroke tracker on your computer or like I said earlier; we use light phil 360 in my family. If they had some kind of a tracker on your phone, there are covert trackers as well as the more obvious ones by the way, or they might have remote monitoring on the computer. Anybody with any amount of computer knowledge, can very easily set up a remote desktop and then they can actually move things around on your desktop in front of your face and really make you think you’re nuts. There are so many different ways these abusers can come through and digitally abuse us. So, how do you deal with it? Well, I’m going to share with you some videos like I said in a playlist, in that first comment as well as in the description, that will explain to you exactly why gaslighting happens and how to deal with it, but when we’re talking about things like these, there are a couple things you can do. Number 1. If you do end up in a relationship where it goes bad and you leave or that person leaves, change all your passwords on your smart home, on your phone, on everything and make sure it’s a password that they can’t easily guess. Choose something very secure, and if you need to write it down to keep it in your head or use one of the password programs out there, go ahead and do that, but change every single password, change your email password, change your Amazon password, change the passwords to your home stuff, all that stuff. That’s number one. Another thing you can do is, go ahead and take your phone to your provider and say; Please check this phone for any spyware, for any tracking devices, anything like that. Have them run through the phone and make sure there’s nothing on it. Most of them will do that. If you find that the one that you’re with doesn’t do that, consider getting a new phone entirely and starting with a whole new fresh account, maybe it’s the provider who will offer you that service. if that doesn’t work, experts say just unplug the equipment. You have to know even things that are set up for kids to help parents monitor kids are very often used on Narcissistic abuse victims, keep that in mind. Protect yourself. Remember that narcissists are very often intelligent people, not emotionally intelligent, but intelligent and a lot of times it is their goal to cause you to feel uncomfortable, to cause you to feel miserable, to cause you to feel crazy, to make you feel out of control of your own life. And this is just one more way they can do it, through technology. It’s entirely possible that this technology is going to make it even easier as the years go forward for us to be monitored and controlled by narcissus. if you’re in that position and you feel yourself being monitored and abused by someone who doesn’t deserve one more minute of your time, do what you have to do to try to make sure that you’re safe. Maybe we could somehow get someone to develop an app to make sure that our phones are safe, maybe we could figure out a way to help people more easily change their passwords and have more control over who’s watching them digitally, but in any case I think the safest thing you can do is if you are in a situation where you leave someone and you still have the same technology in your home, change all your passwords, change all the passwords on your phone, have your phone checked at your provider. Now I’m gonna turn it over to you. This brings me to the question of the day because, I’d like to know what else can you do to protect yourself? what advice can you offer our fellow survivors on how to protect themselves from someone who might try to digitally abuse them. Share your thoughts, share your ideas, sharing experiences in the comments section below and let’s talk about it. I can’t forget to say thank you to my amazing channel members; Angela Fallseta Susan Marion and Roxanne Antal. Thank you so much for supporting me, for helping me to make this channel better and for being part of my SPANily. If you’d like to join the channel, you can click the join button below or check the description for the link if your device isn’t compatible. Again thank you sponsors, I truly appreciate you. Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you right now, but as always thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and Hey!, thanks for letting me be a part of yours, it really does mean a lot to me. Now before I go, make sure you take a look at the videos I’m leaving for you right here and right here and while you’re here hit that Subscribe button right there so we can stay connected and continue on this healing journey together. Don’t forget you’re never alone. You’ve always got your SPANily. I’ll see you soon.